La Fille du Chat Noir

I am an incredibly selfish person. Despite I like to think that I am only detached and egoistic towards acquaintances and people I am not exactly fond of, the hard truth is that I always want everything to be perfect for me and my own pleasure, hence unknowingly hurting those I care about. I expected people to be perfect, to always love me and admire me for who I am whenever and wherever: when I was unbearable, judgemental or even harsh. I thought there were things that I couldn’t forgive, terms I could not come to, sacrifices I could not make.

But the thing is, when you learn to love a smile, when someone becomes one of your supporting pillars, one of the few things you are sure of, your convictions might flake. 

I learnt to forgive, take a hit and start again, to appreciate that I am not perfect and neither are others, and I also learnt not to have any expectations. I was so blind and lost in my dreams, desires and expectations that I completely lost track of what we used to be, forgot all the efforts we both made to find a balance. I no longer wish to be so self-centred, I wish to focus all my attention and efforts on him. I am now taking some time to look at him, concentrate on his expressions and words, some time to listen to him rather than hear him talk. I stopped expecting perfection, or surprises, or constant phone calls and morning texts: I started doing them myself. I decided to relish every instant, cherish every unexpected little thing, to create a moment rather than living one.

I do not wish to be his goddess, I do not wish for perfection, I just want to be with him. I do not want to be his first crush, his first love, I want to be his last.

As odd as it sounds, now that I expressed my feelings and made myself utterly ridiculous to half of the English speaking world, I feel better about myself.

Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together.

Jack Johnson - Better Together

Ps: Any more lovely places I could visit in Birmingham next week-end? (Cafs, museums, anything’s good) Inbox for suggestions!